My Digital World

While I was enjoying my dinner this Tuesday and while I was watching
One Million Star season 1, my mom called me. I was very enjoying the
singing competition. I was not very happy with my mom's phone call.
My mom had a very serious thing to say: my uncle, who I was grown up
with, just passed away.

A couple of months ago, his health turned into very bad. I did call
him, but I only managed to talk to my aunt. My aunt said he was fine.
But I am told by my cousin from Singapore that his liver had a very
serious problem, which was a very bad sign. Since we are told by our
aunt that he was fine, we stopped asking in more details.

My aunt is a person who did share serious issues with others. She is
also a person who concerns alot. A few years when I was in hospital,
we did not inform her, because we did not like her to worry. From my
"love" experience, I learned to become more "open". Hiding everything
in yourself, does not only harm yourself but also other people who
concern you, especially the one who like you. This respect also holds
for this issue. Keeping everything for yourself does not take the
concern of people away. In stead, you let them more and more worry.

When I heard that my uncle passed away, my outside feels quite 'cool'.
Maybe because I did not attach to him very much, although I lived with
him till I was 8. But inside me, lots of things go wrong. First, my
appetite decreases dramatically. Second, I did not enjoy my favorite
One Million Star. I dropped my food and washed the dishes. In the evening,
I had planned to call/sms Nancy, since I want to meet her for passing
the SPSS that I have downloaded last weekend. After I am told
that my uncle passed away, I had no mood in calling or sending her a
sms. Nor contact any friends of mine...

In stead of watching the show, I was very hard thinking about my cousin
from Flevoland. Also thinking about my lovely Xin Jie and Xin Lin. I decided
to write them an e-mail the next day.

After a while of thinking, things turns into very complicated. I decided
to stop thinking and I went to my computer to continue with designing the
cover for Jok's book. I noticed that I was totally out of focus, since whatever
I did in photoshop and InDesign, all went wrong. Physically I look quite
normal, but mentally I am totally lost...

I was thinking about cancelling the appointments with Bou and Lili.
Since Bou was doing exam, I could not call him. Besides, I did not
want to tell him about my family issue. So, I tried to focus and put all the
bad things aside.

I know myself very well. I am pretty good in hiding emotions. I think,
so far, none of my friends have ever seen my emotions, e.g. being touched.
I really did not like expressing my feelings, which is a very bad thing
since others do not know how I actually feel. I should change myself in that
respect...

Enfin, in the late evening, Bou came a long to my place. When he was in
HK, he bought the Nikon D80. As promised, I let them borrow my kitlens
and teach him what I all know about photography. I think, he did not notice I
did not feel very well.

Anyway, after taking some nightshoots and when Bou had left, I went to
bed. I could not fall asleep. I think, I have turned round and round
for 3hours in my two-personsbed. I did not think about my uncle, but
unconsciously I did think about him.

The next day, I just went to U and doing my old stuff. Since I was
still metally not very stable, but I decided to meet Lili for a dinner.
In stead of going to my place to have dinner, I went to her place.
We just had a chit-chat. I did not mention my unhappy things.

I felt the whole week so so. I have no mood for meeting other
friends. Nancy sent me an e-mail about dinner next Friday. I
postpone that dinner to the 20th. But I still did not know if I want to
go for dinner. That is why I did not send her a new e-mail back.

My birthday is coming. I had planned to treat my friends for a dinner.
But since this happens, I lost the mood to celebrate. It will be just
a normal day, as the other 364 days...